One of the main reasons we often fail to do the things we know we want to do is because we?re afraid of what other people will think. ?How will my friends react if I quit drinking?? ?What will my parents do if I leave my job and start my own business?? ?How will my blog audience respond if I write a memoir?? ?What will my boyfriend do if I start trying to lose weight?? etc. etc.
Making the decision to change your life is terrifying enough on its own, and once you add the pressure of wondering how other people will react and how your relationships might change it can be debilitating enough to make you quit before you even start.
Now, it?s no secret that in the past 18 months I?ve made a dizzying amount of huge life changes. I gave up alcohol (followed by caffeine, sugar, and animal products) and I went from being a recovering couch potato to an obsessive distance runner. These changes have dramatically altered my priorities, and my day-to-day life is so different than it was a year and a half ago that it often seems like I?m a different person. The good thing is that, physically and emotionally, I feel amazing. I know for sure that I?m making the best possible choices for me personally, but that doesn?t mean my relationships haven?t suffered and changed as a result. Sometimes, the thing that?s best for you isn?t necessarily the best for preserving the status quo with everyone else, but at some point you have to decide to put your own needs first. You have to make yourself a priority. Does that mean giving everyone else a giant middle finger and forging full-speed ahead down your new path all alone? Not necessarily. Not if you?re conscious of a few key lessons that I unfortunately had to learn the hard way.
1. Don?t project your fears onto other people
One of my biggest downfalls is that I always try to solve everything in my head. Before I have a difficult conversation with someone else, I?ve already had the whole conversation in my head a thousand times, to the point where I?m positive I know exactly what that other person will say and exactly what will happen next. The problem with this approach, however, is that I?m usually wrong. And that?s the thing: When you?re considering making a change, you?re filled with all kinds of fears and insecurities, and it?s easy to project those fears onto other people. You?re afraid that if you quit drinking, your friends won?t think you?re fun anymore, so you start to treat them as if that?s the case without ever giving them a chance to be the kickass, kind, and supportive people they truly are.
2. Initiate an honest conversation in a non-threatening setting
The only way to make sure your relationships can weather the storm of your big personal changes is to communicate, openly and honestly, with the people in your life. So often, because this type of communication makes us vulnerable, we avoid it. I certainly did that. Instead of taking the time to sit down with my friends to explain why I was quitting drinking, how I was feeling about it, and asking how they felt, I just up and did it. ?This isn?t anyone else?s business!? I thought. ?Fuck what people think!? I just went ahead and changed everything all at once, and I know for sure that there are people in my life who felt like I ditched them in the wake of my big fiery life changes ? because I did. The key to avoiding this is simple: schedule a time to talk to the people you love about what you?re doing, and make sure that conversation happens in a non-threatening setting. That means not declaring that you?re quitting sugar while all of your girlfriends are digging into dessert. So often, the negative reactions people have to your changes have nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with how your changes make them feel about their own lives, and having the conversation in a neutral setting will make all the difference in how your news is received. It?s much easier to hear that your best friend is going to quit drinking while you two are taking an afternoon walk through the park than while you?re on your third cocktail and she?s quietly sipping club soda.
3. Be honest about your needs and limits
In a perfect world, everyone in our lives would be incredibly supportive. Our parents and siblings and friends and co-workers would all be positive and anxious to help us reach our goals. And, luckily, that?s often exactly what happens. If you give people the chance to support you, you?ll be surprised at how frequently they come through. Sometimes, though, despite your best effort to share your goals and upcoming life changes in a clear, honest, and non-threatening way, people might not react the way you want them to. Again, 99 times out of 100 this type of reaction is about their issues, not yours, but it?s still tough to handle and it helps to be internally clear about your needs and limits. What do you need from your loved ones in order to feel supported while you make this change? And, more importantly, what are your limits? Said another way: At what point is someone else?s negativity and unsupportive behavior enough to warrant cutting them out of your life? Because really, if a friend can?t support you in your pursuit to be your best possible self, is she really your friend? Or is she just friends with your bad habits?
4. Find new people who share your goals
The best thing about making a change and doing things differently is that it opens you up to a whole new world. Now that I?m a runner, I find myself identifying so much with other runners and I constantly seek out new friendships with people who understand what it?s like when your toenail turns purple. Over the past year and a half I?ve been lucky enough to meet some seriously outstanding people through running (HI, LIZ, I ADORE YOU!) and these people are my safe harbor when I?m freaking out about things that my non-runner friends can?t relate to. Does this mean that I?m not as close with my other friends? Of course not. In fact, I think it actually means that we?re closer because I now have a wider range of people in my life to support me in each of my different goals. There?s no substitute for having someone who shares your passion, no matter what that passion is, and building a support system around running and clean eating has made me so much stronger and more committed to my goals.
And, at the end of everything, I think that?s the key: you have to find your tribe. No man is an island, as they say, and it?s impossible to go through life all alone. No matter what your goals are, I guarantee you that there are countless people out there who share your feelings and fears, and the sooner you find those people, the happier you?ll be. You have every right to make the changes you want to make, because you deserve to be happy and healthy and fulfilled. And, with that, it?s okay that change comes with growing pains and that you?ll often need to work to build new relationships with old friends and create soon-to-be old friends out of new people along the way.
Posted in: a life less bullshit, life after sugar, personal growth and shit
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